What I’d Tell My Younger Self About Marriage

This past Tuesday (March 5th) marked a special day for Angela and me – our thirtieth wedding anniversary! I thank God for the years we have had together. I remember the pastor officiating at our service holding my wedding ring and describing how it is a perfect circle, fused together in such a way that you can’t see where it started or finished. And this will (God willing) reflect the two of us where we will over time reflect how we are one. I can honestly say that God has taken two sinners and brought us together and we are one now. Angela is my best friend and companion. I deeply thank God for my wife! (Proverbs 18:22; 12:4a)
 
There's a country song about if he could write a letter to his younger self and what he would write? It had me wondering something similar this week when a friend asked me what advice would I tell myself about marriage.
 
Here’s a few things I would tell myself about marriage thirty years later:
 

1. John, Angela can’t fulfill your deepest needs – nor was she intended to. Get your fill from the Lord first and foremost. Then you can experience Angela as a gift and partner in our journey together toward Him without unmet and unrealistic expectations on her.
2. Pray more. Embrace clunky and start inviting the Lord into more of your life. Start praying together earlier, make it a habit… before crisis sends you to your knees. Invite Him into all the areas of your life.
3. Sexual intimacy is an overflow of intimacy in all the other areas of life (spiritual, conversational, financial, etc.) so don’t neglect the other areas of life and sexual intimacy will be the overflow.
4. Slow down to see each other and really hear one another. Don’t be so self-reliant, don’t neglect life together whenever possible. Go low more. Listen fully – not giving half-hearted attention. Your wife really does know far more than you give her credit and she is really wise in counsel – trust her and her concerns and thoughts. It’ll save you from a lot of foolish arrogance thinking you know better.
5. Don’t let lies be a part of your marriage… ever! Face your sin, confess it and find mercy before the Lord and forgiveness from your wife instead of trying to cover it up. Porn will never satisfy, it’ll destroy your relationship for years. You’ll hate it for the hurt you brought on. Be honest and go to the Lord together.
6. Want to lead her? Then follow Jesus and watch and learn from Him – He served.
7. You will enjoy your marriage most when you risk being vulnerable with your thoughts, ambitions, dreams and desires. You both are complex. You both are sinners. So be long on grace with each other and lean into her more. She wants to know you, and she’ll love you more deeply when you share these things with her.
8. There are some hard seasons coming. You’ll feel really weak and needy. Slow down. Don’t freak out. Stay the course. Lean into one another as you go to the Lord together. You’ll get through it and you will learn so many things having gone through them. The Lord is with you.
9. Oh, and in 2004 Angela will need you to make a transfer from your extra account to your regular checking while you are gone on a trip. Make sure it is FROM extra TO checking, not the other way around. Just sayin’. You’ll save yourself from a mistake that had a ripple effect.

 
That's at least a start of things I would tell my younger self. I can say without a doubt, the Lord has been with us these years. We have said “no” to many things that would draw us away from one another so that we could be together more. Companionship doesn’t happen without being intentional. We just keep needing the Lord in our lives and marriage.
 
May our Father draw us all the more to Him. May we invite Him into our lives all the more. May we be quicker to pray and express our neediness.

Held By His Abundant Grace,
 
 
 Pastor John