15 Ways to Stay Married
[Almost ten years ago I wrote this blog (now updated) and I find it is still very true.]
I try and keep a pulse on what is happening around me in the culture for the most part. And when it comes to marriage – I tend to perk up a little bit. Especially when I hear how a couple is practically making their marriage work.
I came across an article posted as a link from Facebook from a “friends” page. It got my attention: “15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years”. (Here is the link to the post: http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html Warning: There is some crude language in this post. This is not from a Biblical perspective!) What did this writer have to say? Needless to say, it was, for the most part, terrible advice! Contrary to Godly principles. But then again, it was the best the world could come up with… Short. (Small point: Be ever so cautious of where you get your input for life. General principle: Listen to no man who fails to listen to God.)
Angela and I have been married for a little over 27 years now. By God’s grace alone, and through His strength and giving us the ability to pour into our marriage – we are blessed indeed! We have dealt with our constant flaws, sought out forgiveness with one another, prayed together, sought the Lord… constant attention has been critical. After reading the post on “15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years” I couldn’t help but think about what it is that has kept Angela and I married for 27 years. So, here are “15 ways to Stay Married” points to consider:
1. Marriage is God’s idea: He is the Creator of it. Therefore, if we want to stay married for 15+ years, we need to go back to the Creator of marriage! Don’t change or tweak what He has made!
2. Seek the Lord individually and together: On your own, seek the Lord. And do it together – but if your spouse isn’t interested, do it on your own and let God work on your spouse. Quietly, patiently serve and love.
3. Seek forgiveness: Be quick to recognize what you have done wrong and ask for forgiveness for what you did wrong, specifically. “Honey, I was wrong for ___. Would you please forgive me? I was wrong and I am sorry. I love you and want to reflect our Savior in my actions.”
4. Pray together: Men, initiate prayer. Don’t wait on your wives. Don’t know how? Fine, tell your wife that. Say, “I don’t know how to do this thing of praying together and I feel like I’m all thumbs. But if you’d be patient with me, I’m willing to try and just trust that God will grow me in this. Will you go with me to the throne?” Get over yourselves – you need to pray, you can’t do life on your own. So seek Him. Start small, but start.
5. Go to bed together: Turn off the TV. Turn off the video games, men. Go to bed at a reasonable time. You’ll see your communication grow, your intimacy and your relationship as a whole.
6. Wives, your husband NEEDS your encouragement and affirmation: Don’t belittle your husband – especially in public. Encourage him – he’s a lot weaker in heart than he will ever let on. He needs you and your encouragement.
7. Wives, your husband NEEDS you to believe in him: A million people can say they believe in him to be able to do a million things, including being the man of God you both want. But if he doesn’t get it from you – forget it.
8. Husbands, your wife NEEDS your protection: That means protecting your wife both spiritually as well as physically. Don’t abdicate your responsibility. Regardless if you are in fear – protect, lead.
9. Husbands, your wife NEEDS your provision: Provide for her spiritually. Do everything you can serve her and encourage her to make much of Jesus in her life. Pray for her. And be the primary provider. God has hard-wired you to provide. Do what you need to do to provide.
10. Make sex the response to your intimacy: Sex is the outflow of the intimacy shared in life. If there isn’t the intimacy in communication, in finances, in parenting or a dozen other areas of life then intimacy in sex will lack as well. Seek intimacy in all areas of your life and watch the intimacy in sex grow deeper and more satisfying.
11. Guard your time: Say “no” more often. We say yes to far too many things – sports, TV shows we commit to, extra hours for work, our individual hobbies, etc. etc. Say, “No!” Do things that will allow you to be together more. Do things that allow you to be with each other. (Including church and ministry.)
12. Guard your hearts: Watch out for being swayed away from your spouse. Watch out for what your eyes see, what you read, what you listen to. Put a guard in place on the internet (I highly recommend Covenant Eyes and/or Circle). Guard what relationships you have with the opposite sex. You are never beyond the ability to fall.
13. Be vulnerable: Share your hearts together. Don’t criticize. The more the depths of our hearts are shared the more you will be drawn to each other. And once it is shared, guard it, don’t trample on it. Be vulnerable, take a risk.
14. Study each other: Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can just go on with life expecting that you’ll always know each other. We change over time. Our interests change. Our highs and lows change. Our experiences and bodies change. Our love of certain things changes. If we don’t study one another, in time we will wake up one day wondering who it is we married. Guard yourself from that by studying one another. If you don’t get an “A” in this, you fail.
15. Make your spouse the priority over your kids: Husbands, if your wife isn’t first – you lose! If the kids have all of the attention, if you never do things without the kids, if you just focus on the kids and not each other – a storm is on its way. Certainly, kids demand a lot – especially when they are younger. But if the kids constantly win – you lose.
How many more points could we put down? So many things indeed. The key really is to stay close to Jesus. Walk with Him. Enjoy your Shepherd and develop your relationship with Him. Out of an overflow of that relationship will come your responses and actions to your spouse. May God richly lead and guide you. Live for the glory of God. One day, one moment at a time.
In His Grip, Pastor John
I try and keep a pulse on what is happening around me in the culture for the most part. And when it comes to marriage – I tend to perk up a little bit. Especially when I hear how a couple is practically making their marriage work.
I came across an article posted as a link from Facebook from a “friends” page. It got my attention: “15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years”. (Here is the link to the post: http://lydianetzer.blogspot.com/2012/04/15-ways-to-stay-married-for-15-years.html Warning: There is some crude language in this post. This is not from a Biblical perspective!) What did this writer have to say? Needless to say, it was, for the most part, terrible advice! Contrary to Godly principles. But then again, it was the best the world could come up with… Short. (Small point: Be ever so cautious of where you get your input for life. General principle: Listen to no man who fails to listen to God.)
Angela and I have been married for a little over 27 years now. By God’s grace alone, and through His strength and giving us the ability to pour into our marriage – we are blessed indeed! We have dealt with our constant flaws, sought out forgiveness with one another, prayed together, sought the Lord… constant attention has been critical. After reading the post on “15 Ways to Stay Married for 15 Years” I couldn’t help but think about what it is that has kept Angela and I married for 27 years. So, here are “15 ways to Stay Married” points to consider:
1. Marriage is God’s idea: He is the Creator of it. Therefore, if we want to stay married for 15+ years, we need to go back to the Creator of marriage! Don’t change or tweak what He has made!
2. Seek the Lord individually and together: On your own, seek the Lord. And do it together – but if your spouse isn’t interested, do it on your own and let God work on your spouse. Quietly, patiently serve and love.
3. Seek forgiveness: Be quick to recognize what you have done wrong and ask for forgiveness for what you did wrong, specifically. “Honey, I was wrong for ___. Would you please forgive me? I was wrong and I am sorry. I love you and want to reflect our Savior in my actions.”
4. Pray together: Men, initiate prayer. Don’t wait on your wives. Don’t know how? Fine, tell your wife that. Say, “I don’t know how to do this thing of praying together and I feel like I’m all thumbs. But if you’d be patient with me, I’m willing to try and just trust that God will grow me in this. Will you go with me to the throne?” Get over yourselves – you need to pray, you can’t do life on your own. So seek Him. Start small, but start.
5. Go to bed together: Turn off the TV. Turn off the video games, men. Go to bed at a reasonable time. You’ll see your communication grow, your intimacy and your relationship as a whole.
6. Wives, your husband NEEDS your encouragement and affirmation: Don’t belittle your husband – especially in public. Encourage him – he’s a lot weaker in heart than he will ever let on. He needs you and your encouragement.
7. Wives, your husband NEEDS you to believe in him: A million people can say they believe in him to be able to do a million things, including being the man of God you both want. But if he doesn’t get it from you – forget it.
8. Husbands, your wife NEEDS your protection: That means protecting your wife both spiritually as well as physically. Don’t abdicate your responsibility. Regardless if you are in fear – protect, lead.
9. Husbands, your wife NEEDS your provision: Provide for her spiritually. Do everything you can serve her and encourage her to make much of Jesus in her life. Pray for her. And be the primary provider. God has hard-wired you to provide. Do what you need to do to provide.
10. Make sex the response to your intimacy: Sex is the outflow of the intimacy shared in life. If there isn’t the intimacy in communication, in finances, in parenting or a dozen other areas of life then intimacy in sex will lack as well. Seek intimacy in all areas of your life and watch the intimacy in sex grow deeper and more satisfying.
11. Guard your time: Say “no” more often. We say yes to far too many things – sports, TV shows we commit to, extra hours for work, our individual hobbies, etc. etc. Say, “No!” Do things that will allow you to be together more. Do things that allow you to be with each other. (Including church and ministry.)
12. Guard your hearts: Watch out for being swayed away from your spouse. Watch out for what your eyes see, what you read, what you listen to. Put a guard in place on the internet (I highly recommend Covenant Eyes and/or Circle). Guard what relationships you have with the opposite sex. You are never beyond the ability to fall.
13. Be vulnerable: Share your hearts together. Don’t criticize. The more the depths of our hearts are shared the more you will be drawn to each other. And once it is shared, guard it, don’t trample on it. Be vulnerable, take a risk.
14. Study each other: Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can just go on with life expecting that you’ll always know each other. We change over time. Our interests change. Our highs and lows change. Our experiences and bodies change. Our love of certain things changes. If we don’t study one another, in time we will wake up one day wondering who it is we married. Guard yourself from that by studying one another. If you don’t get an “A” in this, you fail.
15. Make your spouse the priority over your kids: Husbands, if your wife isn’t first – you lose! If the kids have all of the attention, if you never do things without the kids, if you just focus on the kids and not each other – a storm is on its way. Certainly, kids demand a lot – especially when they are younger. But if the kids constantly win – you lose.
How many more points could we put down? So many things indeed. The key really is to stay close to Jesus. Walk with Him. Enjoy your Shepherd and develop your relationship with Him. Out of an overflow of that relationship will come your responses and actions to your spouse. May God richly lead and guide you. Live for the glory of God. One day, one moment at a time.
In His Grip, Pastor John
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